Most of you who know me have known that I have cancer; Leukemia ( Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia be specific; as if you need to be) I learned about that I had it a couple of years ago. and it, rather the knowledge of it has changed my life in some profound ways. I wish I could say that they were in positive ways … you know .. allowed me to become introspective and thoughtful…. reflective even. I wish it has but mostly I feel angry, tense and upset but mostly it has made me feel depressed …profoundly depressed and that depression has deepened to the point that it makes getting through the day a real trial.
Now a lot of people get this thing and they don’t react the way I do…. why am I feeling this way? I am sure there are some solid reasons why I should think and be otherwise but I cannot stop being angry and that anger manifests itself physically. I feel weaker and lack ambition because I feel weak and tired … I’m tired so I don’t try to anything constructive , I don’t try so I don’t grow as a human being and that makes me grow even more angry, frustrated and depressed I have started a vicious spiraling cycle of decline. That decline will eventually hasten my demise faster than the physiological conditions associated with the disease.
I know this spiral has to cease. The question is how do I do it. I cannot just pretend that the leukemia doesn’t exist because it does and while I am in the relatively earlier stages; people with this type can live long lives with treatment and the right attitude. The key is let go of the anger and maybe the frustration will lessen and perhaps the depression. I know that I wont be “cured” and I will eventually could die from it. but I could also get hit by a bus; if I want to think in a negative sense, or win the lottery( provided I buy a ticket) and my life will change in those ways. I think my point is that this spiral is totally destructive and probably more than its root cause and it needs to go away. I must work through it, break the cycle and find another way. starting today.