Not so startling revelations.

I have been going through some tough times but the circumstances are what they are; now while I think that It has created  a pretty vicious loop and it has allowed or enabled me to somewhat dysfunctional with those circumstances. I think circumstances surrounding the events have made me passive and ,frankly,  a more than a little intellectually lazy, 
 I cannot attribute this to getting older although I do think it is a factor, it isn’t a dominant one…no, that perception and the very petty indulgence of feeling sorry for my current condition emotionally and intellectually. 
I think it pretty evident that sleepwalking through life is not a really living.  We need to do more than survive and get through the day… I think I have struggling to find new relevance and meaning …given my new reality and circumstances … Change is good when is for the right and constructive reasons. I need to stop planning and hoping for improvement. I have to actively pursue it.  

Top Companies from Michael Iva

Michael Iva says:
“The difference between an average company with average people and average products, and a top company with top people and top products could be summed up in two words… AND MORE. 

• Top companies always do what is expected of them, AND MORE.

• Top companies are service oriented, thoughtful, understanding, and show a genuine interest in their customer’s problems, needs and requirements, AND MORE.

• Top companies are friendly, courteous, helpful, and considerate of the feelings of their customers, AND MORE.

• Top companies are well informed, always met their obligations, and deal fairly, AND MORE.

• Top companies always over serve their customers, AND MORE.

• Top companies give their customers MORE than they expect.

• Top companies give their customers MORE than their competition does.

Top companies always go that Extra Mile, which puts them miles ahead of their competition, and gets them MORE business AND MORE profits in return.”

I follow Michael on Facebook … He always has something interesting to say


You know… in this time of being able to share every thought, feeling, ache & pain and soul crashing tragedy… I think there is a tendency to overshare  and just become so much noise.. I know I have been quite guilty of it as of late.
I am making an apology for that  and pledging to keep down to a bare minimum. After all I think familiarity really can breed contempt and I have enough issues with that lately .
 Thanks for listening and if you have stopped listening… well. that point is moot, anyway.

Going to be a busy day of Work, Play and contemplation.

I think I have spent way too much time of the weekend doing really just sitting on my rear end taking in content; not really absorbing. I really need to find a deeper and more profound focus considering things like what I can do to improve my quality of life and that of my family. I think we all pay lip service to our goals and aspirations  but how many of us really do anything about our dreams … ultimately that’s  how we ( by we  a really mean , “I”) fail … things do not get done because its easier to do nothing.

Clearly, I need to do more  of every thing 🙂


Management – The new reality


I had some pretty good news about my CLL .. the test results indicate while my health is not really great. I am at least stable. The white cell counts are way high but everything is pretty stable; this is good news. I might have the Leukemia but its moving slowly and its not manifesting into something I need to worry about.  This a great relief for me because I have felt so lousy all summer… well all year. Its been akin to having a really bad case of the flu for the year…. Tired all the time, easily fatigued and cannot sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. I have been … delicately put… a big emotionally fragile. the tragic thing is that I think its been largely  in my head. ( I know that bears explanation but I don’t have the time at the moment ..later)
The point is that I need to look at the problem differently … not as something to solve but something to manage and accommodate. I might not get better bodywise but I can do my best to do things to stay emotionally and physically healthy …for as long as possible. I am not going to fight the medical people anymore. I need to learn better ways to feed the body and the mind and nourish the whole. Its the only way to be proactive in a manner that will yield results… as opposed to the way that I have been handling things; which definitely hasn’t worked.

More later today.


Depression, Illness and the spiral

Most of you who know me have known that I have cancer; Leukemia ( Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia be specific; as if you need to be) I learned about that I had it a couple of years ago. and it, rather the knowledge of it has changed my life in some profound ways. I wish I could say that they were in  positive ways … you know .. allowed me to become introspective and thoughtful…. reflective even. I wish it has but mostly I feel angry, tense and upset  but mostly it has made me feel depressed …profoundly depressed and that depression has deepened to the point that it makes getting through the day a real trial.

Now a lot of people get this thing and they don’t react the way I do…. why am I feeling this way? I am sure there are some solid reasons why I should think and be otherwise but I cannot stop being angry and that anger manifests itself physically. I feel weaker and lack ambition because I feel weak and tired … I’m tired so I don’t try to anything constructive , I don’t try so I don’t grow as a human being and that makes me grow even more angry, frustrated and depressed I have started a vicious spiraling cycle of decline. That decline will eventually hasten my demise faster than the physiological conditions associated with the disease.

I know this spiral has to cease. The question is how do I do it. I cannot just pretend that the leukemia doesn’t exist because it does and while I am in the relatively earlier stages; people with this type can live long lives with treatment and the right attitude. The key is let go of the anger and maybe the frustration will lessen and perhaps the depression. I know that I wont be “cured” and I will eventually could die from it. but I could also get hit by a bus; if I want to think in a negative sense, or win the lottery( provided I buy a ticket)  and my life will change in those ways. I think my point is that this spiral is totally destructive and probably more than its root cause and it needs to go away.  I must work through it, break the cycle and find another way. starting today.