random ramblings

I have decided to narrow my focus on things. I feel that I have been so scattered that I never accomplishing anything of any significance. It has been a struggle to resist the “push-pull” effect and that ultimately means doing nothing.

I mean that we all need to have some purpose and meaning in out lives. I have rendered myself almost catatonic; trying to decide what I have do. I’m troubled by the very fact I have not really accomplished anything significant and that I have been content to watch others move forward while I’ve sat on the sidelines and done nothing.

I think the biggest issue is that I’ve waited and waited for something to provide me with inspiration; some person, some event or some crisis to motivate to get off my ass and become relevant, t be significant and provide a contribution.

I really cannot say what the problem has been. Am I lazy? Am I scared? Do I worry too much what people think of me? Do I not think I have the ability to do anyway? Why do I worry about it and not just go out there and do some.

Sometimes I think the problem is inertial , I sat down so long and been so inactive I have atrophied or been so long lost in my own thought that I have forgotten how to interact and accept other ideas; at least in any significant or profound manner.

Maybe I am so convinced that my voice or my “solutions” are not worthy or significant of mention. If that’s the case; it might be fatally flawed process.

Thinking back, its probably more fear than anything else. I have this feeling that what I have to say isn’t significant and if I made those thoughts known or proposed something I would be ridiculed for my nativity or lack of understanding of the “real Issue” so I don’t participate I don’t gain the experience I don’t grow or evolve. — in truth I just die a little more each day; become a little more rigid and a little more forgotten.

I honestly can’t always accept that I need to reconsider the things that I deem significant or dear and important and limit my scope of the whole ; disgarding what is not id useful or helpful.

I cannot move forward without taking risk and putting my ideas out there. I have to get out be part of the world; before I can completely fossilized and incapable. Only then can I reverse this malaise I feel and get myself on a track that will ultimately make me a happier and a more accomplished man.

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One comment

  1. pearlsb4swine · May 30, 2007

    sounds like a good decision. I suggest small steps at first. I also suggest giving yourself some compassion for doing what you -have- done. you’re raising children, providing a home. That’s huge. You needed some time to regroup. Congratulations, you’re human. There’s a lot more to say. Why not call or write me?

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