random ramblings

I have decided to narrow my focus on things. I feel that I have been so scattered that I never accomplishing anything of any significance. It has been a struggle to resist the “push-pull” effect and that ultimately means doing nothing.

I mean that we all need to have some purpose and meaning in out lives. I have rendered myself almost catatonic; trying to decide what I have do. I’m troubled by the very fact I have not really accomplished anything significant and that I have been content to watch others move forward while I’ve sat on the sidelines and done nothing.

I think the biggest issue is that I’ve waited and waited for something to provide me with inspiration; some person, some event or some crisis to motivate to get off my ass and become relevant, t be significant and provide a contribution.

I really cannot say what the problem has been. Am I lazy? Am I scared? Do I worry too much what people think of me? Do I not think I have the ability to do anyway? Why do I worry about it and not just go out there and do some.

Sometimes I think the problem is inertial , I sat down so long and been so inactive I have atrophied or been so long lost in my own thought that I have forgotten how to interact and accept other ideas; at least in any significant or profound manner.

Maybe I am so convinced that my voice or my “solutions” are not worthy or significant of mention. If that’s the case; it might be fatally flawed process.

Thinking back, its probably more fear than anything else. I have this feeling that what I have to say isn’t significant and if I made those thoughts known or proposed something I would be ridiculed for my nativity or lack of understanding of the “real Issue” so I don’t participate I don’t gain the experience I don’t grow or evolve. — in truth I just die a little more each day; become a little more rigid and a little more forgotten.

I honestly can’t always accept that I need to reconsider the things that I deem significant or dear and important and limit my scope of the whole ; disgarding what is not id useful or helpful.

I cannot move forward without taking risk and putting my ideas out there. I have to get out be part of the world; before I can completely fossilized and incapable. Only then can I reverse this malaise I feel and get myself on a track that will ultimately make me a happier and a more accomplished man.

Yes, Im still alive

yes, I’m still alive and ummm..kicking. I have given some thought about pruning back all the blogs and informational droppings ive been leaving over the i-net over the past 15 years (yes 15 years… sue me, I’m early adopter), thought to clean it all up, erase and sanitize yet another period of my life where my internal censor has determined it wasn’t good enough for consumption.

I thought about it and determined that it wasn’t worth the effort, fuck it … who is really interested enough in my life to go digging around looking for me anyway.

I think we all lose something anyway when we show people only the sides we want them to see. People who are interested enough in looking at those artifacts will make whatever effort they deem necessary to get what they want. To try and always put the best face on my situation(s) would be pointless anyway. I wish I were far more articulate than I am. it would make these little revelations seem more interesting than just more random noise on the iNet.

Readers, if I seem to be indulging in a ode of self pity , forgive me; its been a long couple of months and IM not in the best frame of mind.