Sloggy

Law school- deferred again

I hate to admit I need to do this, but I’m going to have defer the law school thing yet again. The big reason is that I just can’t afford it; both in terms of time and in terms of emotional / mental commitment and oh yeah, the money thing. I would like to say in that order but its not.

On one hand, I relieved that I came to this decision. I honestly do not feel ready to tackle the intellectual work. I’ve only recently returned to school and It has proven to be more difficult than I anticipated and I am, for the first time, having trouble focusing on tasks and staying on point in an academic sense. I have felt very feeble in terms of recognizing my own Intellectual capacity lately. I feel fuzzy in the head and find difficulty in organizing my thoughts. This has been especially pronounced in my writing(I should say my attempt at writing)
Writing has been kind of a way to work out those brain kinks and exercise those mental muscles but I feel this huge block when I try to compose anything more elaborate than a shopping list. I always figured that if I keep trying and apply the effort consistently, Id eventually make progress and the fog would clear and I would be able to move on. Nothing is further from reality

On the other hand, I am terrified I getting too old to do the “law school/lawyer thing; too old for a new career and my reinvention again. I’m going to be 48 years old soon. I beginning to wonder when I am going to “grow up” and be an adult. I have never held a job or pursued a career move that was made as a choice. I always fell into them( that is my jobs and careers); they were never something I wanted and I always figured there was always time to do what I wanted. I think time is running out , if it hasn’t already.

Creative outlets or lack of them

Another thing is I need to get to work again if for nothing else to feel productive and creative again. I think some people are cut out for freelance work, I don’t if I am.

I also hate working alone anymore and I need creative tension of others even if I risk exposing my creative mediocrity. Its that old ” validation” saw. I know I can “scrape by”, but its no fun and its not making me feel good.

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One comment

  1. pearlsb4swine · June 13, 2006

    Writing here every day has helped me enormously with regard to keeping some of the creative fires burning. I’ve noticed too many spelling and grammar mistakes lately, though – my only native talent going to shit.
    I’m going to try Julie Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way”. check it out.
    I, too, am feeling too old for school, but, at almost-55, I fear I’m too old to wait. So, City College for a year or so, then CIIS, then more CIIS.
    If you decide to go into business for yourself, let me help….
    I’ve decided to allow a friendship to blossom with Richard, as long as his recovery holds. He has now acheived 40 clean and sober days. This is the first time that has included no pot. He’s been stoned on pot nearly every day for 30 years. The change is amazing. I find that I’m still in love with him, now that the anger has worn off. He’s living in a clean and sober household in the Sunset. I will not live with him until he’s got a year of recovery, but I’ll not divorce him quite yet.
    I think all my friends think I’m crazy….
    Let’s take this to a less public forum. I hope these entries are locked to friends only. If they’re not, please change them.

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