Sloggy

Law school- deferred again

I hate to admit I need to do this, but I’m going to have defer the law school thing yet again. The big reason is that I just can’t afford it; both in terms of time and in terms of emotional / mental commitment and oh yeah, the money thing. I would like to say in that order but its not.

On one hand, I relieved that I came to this decision. I honestly do not feel ready to tackle the intellectual work. I’ve only recently returned to school and It has proven to be more difficult than I anticipated and I am, for the first time, having trouble focusing on tasks and staying on point in an academic sense. I have felt very feeble in terms of recognizing my own Intellectual capacity lately. I feel fuzzy in the head and find difficulty in organizing my thoughts. This has been especially pronounced in my writing(I should say my attempt at writing)
Writing has been kind of a way to work out those brain kinks and exercise those mental muscles but I feel this huge block when I try to compose anything more elaborate than a shopping list. I always figured that if I keep trying and apply the effort consistently, Id eventually make progress and the fog would clear and I would be able to move on. Nothing is further from reality

On the other hand, I am terrified I getting too old to do the “law school/lawyer thing; too old for a new career and my reinvention again. I’m going to be 48 years old soon. I beginning to wonder when I am going to “grow up” and be an adult. I have never held a job or pursued a career move that was made as a choice. I always fell into them( that is my jobs and careers); they were never something I wanted and I always figured there was always time to do what I wanted. I think time is running out , if it hasn’t already.

Creative outlets or lack of them

Another thing is I need to get to work again if for nothing else to feel productive and creative again. I think some people are cut out for freelance work, I don’t if I am.

I also hate working alone anymore and I need creative tension of others even if I risk exposing my creative mediocrity. Its that old ” validation” saw. I know I can “scrape by”, but its no fun and its not making me feel good.